# Key Points In this psychotherapy podcast "Stahl aber herzlich" (Steel but Heartfelt), psychotherapist Stefanie Stahl talks to Carla about her attachment anxiety and relationship patterns. Carla describes her problems building healthy romantic relationships, which she traces back to her childhood experiences with her mother and grandmother. ### 1. Ambivalent Attachment Experiences in Childhood as the Cause of Relationship Problems Carla had two opposing attachment experiences as a child: too little emotional closeness from her mother and too much appropriation by her grandmother. "This lack of emotional availability and this lack of closeness I know from my mother. And the fear of appropriation, of control, and harassment I know from my grandmother," explains Carla. This ambivalence still shapes her relationship behavior today. ### 2. Pattern of Falling in Love with Unattainable People Carla has repeatedly fallen in love with women who were already in a relationship or not available. "The women I fell in love with were in a relationship. So they were not really free, and some were even heterosexual." Stefanie Stahl interprets this pattern as a defense mechanism: "Where it's difficult and they're a bit unattainable, they feel like the great love." ### 3. Fear of Expectations and Loss of Autonomy In relationships, Carla quickly develops the feeling of being under pressure or losing her autonomy: "I quickly feel restricted [...] It felt like a barrel without a bottom, because I gave what I wanted and could. But it seemed somehow not enough." According to Stahl, this is a typical pattern in people with attachment anxiety. ### 4. Overinterpretation and Projections in Relationships Stefanie Stahl explains that Carla, due to her childhood experiences, has "developed too many antennae" and overinterprets small conflicts: "What you do, because you've been trained from childhood, is constantly interpret and use your antennae. [...] That means you naturally also have projection and misinterpretation." ### 5. The Desire for Connection While Maintaining Freedom Despite her attachment anxiety, Carla longs for a fulfilling relationship: "I would love to feel connected in a relationship and at the same time have the feeling that I am free. I would like to have both." This is possible, according to Stahl, if Carla recognizes and overcomes her old patterns. ## Breakdown This therapy podcast focuses on the psychological mechanisms behind attachment anxiety and problematic relationship patterns. Stefanie Stahl shows how early relationship experiences can shape adult life. Her explanatory approaches come from attachment and trauma theory, which she explains in an accessible way. The connection between the need for autonomy and the desire for attachment is particularly considered in detail. The podcast offers valuable insights into therapeutic processes and recognizing one's own behavioral patterns. Stahl avoids pathologizing attributions and instead emphasizes developmental capabilities and possibilities for change. She works in a resource-oriented way, appreciating Carla's self-reflection abilities and pointing out existing progress: "I think you're on a good path, that you're in conversation." While the format makes in-depth psychological topics accessible, the analysis sometimes remains on the surface of cause-and-effect relationships and could incorporate more complex systemic or societal factors. The individualization of mental problems follows a Western therapeutic paradigm. Nevertheless, the podcast offers valuable opportunities for identification for listeners with similar experiences through the concrete case work. Listening recommendation: The episode offers important insights for people with attachment anxiety and those who want to understand how early relationship experiences influence adult life.